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Fathoming Us

By Manali Jobanputra in Experiences
Updated 01:24 IST Feb 18, 2018

Views » 167 | 3 min read

I am torn between my mind and my heart! Everyday there is the same conflict and it drives my cortisol up, my spirits low and mind numb. I wake up in satisfaction of having freed myself of the pain and agony, and cry myself to sleep in the regret to cutting him out of my life.

 

I fail to be able to make peace with my decision. My day runs normally, until the moment I come across something that relates to him, and I am thrown into a tornado of memories and questions. I feel the tornado causing destruction inside me as I sink into the realm of regrets.

 

I regret that I cut him off, and I am reminded of the blissful moments we shared, as tears roll down my eyes. The regret weakens my decision to keep away, and I almost take my phone to call him, when I am reminded of the wrongs he has done to me.

 

I am enraged at myself for letting myself break for a man who has wronged me in so many ways. My mind starts weighing the rights and the wrongs, and somehow it can never decide which ones heavier. I guess his rights outweigh the wrongs, but I don’t know if he deserves another chance.

 

I wonder if I should forget the wrongs, because they seem little compared to his love, but then I think, what if his little wrongs keep repeating and someday outweigh the right? Will I be strong enough to cut him out, or will I be consumed by the agony and shattered by his misdoings.

 

The fear of another blow is what keeps me from bringing him back to my life. Maybe he is not needed in my life, and I am better off without him. I think I am at a stage in my life, where I would choose myself over anyone else, no matter how much I may love them.

 

My happiness comes from within me, and I may have breakdowns and lows, but I’ve learnt to get back on my feet independently. His absence may bring me down now, but I breathe freedom; Freedom from the pain and bullshit that I was ready to sign up for lifetime!

 

P.S : If you’re reading this, THANK YOU !!! You’ve made me realize the potential of my strength!!! I thought that maybe someday you would open your eyes, but you chose to remain blinded. So be it! I am glad that my blindfold is off, and I realized that you don’t deserve ME!

 

P.P.S – To my other readers – You all have that strength within you! Cut out whatever makes you unhappy no matter how difficult it may seem. Letting go is much more peaceful than holding on. 

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Digvita Shah 24-Feb-2018 08:33

Letting go is surely better than holding on but forgetting the worst is more important. Regrets do happen but, never regret what happened for it seemed right at that moment. This is a nice write-up, especially the blindfolded line.😊

Manali Jobanputra 27-Feb-2018 20:31

Thank you Digvita Shah. True that, forgetting is more important. :)

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