I came across this beautiful line that says, “motherhood is a choice we make every day to put someone else's happiness and well-being ahead of our own, to teach the hard lessons of life the simpler way and to do what is rightly needed”. We are no more the centre of our universe and we relinquish that spot to our children. I believe God created them in a certain way not to live according to us but to have their own lives and for us to only be their guiding lights. In my eight years of mothering experience I have learnt a lot, made equal mistakes and corrected them with my second given chance, my second baby. It may be difficult for us and even frustrating at times with other duties and responsibilities to keep sane with these little mischief monkeys but yes there are things that surely can be avoided or better not told to them. Or else this will only leave a scar on their growing years.
1. To Hurry up!
I used to often scream and yell at my boy to do things fast, to get dressed up, get ready for school and classes quickly. We have all gotten use to the fast pace world today. We ask them to eat at rapidly when actually they will grow up only to learn how eating slowly benefits the body in more than one ways. When we see a lack of time management in them it's usually us who are slow in that area. The anxieties that build up in us show up in front of them at times like these. That ‘one’ extra minute on the phone call while they are getting ready or the liberty to check our emails and log in to social media just for fraction of minutes or even tidying up the house last minute actually takes up more time than we imagined at first. So instead of always lacking behind time and bringing out stress in us and the little ones its better if we can get up or plan things earlier and finish all extra tasks we have to. We will also get time to help them along.
2. Constant Comparisons
I had my second child after a good gap of six years. Like we know how unique every kid is, this one also turned out to be pole apart from his elder brother. In a lot more ways further sorted I felt since he wasn't as pampered as my first. Then started the rut of comparisons at home. Everyone compared the two constantly which in a way put the other down. None of us meant harm to them. For us it was simply a way to showing them the possibilities of doing certain things that they could not easily. But it was sure shot bad idea. This only reduced the confidence they have in them. They feel they are no good and a constant failure. This just doesn’t stop at home but outside world too, constantly being compared to friends and relatives. I realized it's important to praise them in public but criticize only in private to maintain their self respect. Let's love them for who and what they are. I am sure each of them is born with some special ability we only need to discover before we put them down.
3.Stop Shouting or Crying
Ever tried fighting with your spouse or your house help for that matter in front of your kids? Their reaction is to either stick hard to us or run away from there. Children are very sensitive when it comes to displaying their emotions. They can catch our vibes easily. A little disturbance in their surroundings and they can feel it. When we ask them to be quiet and not shout or to be brave and not to be scared, we are only changing the course of their senses. Isn’t it very natural to show anger or to cry when hurt? We get fixed in stereotypes and ask our kids to refrain from portraying their real selves. Specially being a mother of two boys I feel I should never ask then to suppress their emotions. I hear this all the time that boys shouldn’t cry or boys don’t show their tears. Why do we have to dry up their tear glands as soon as they are labeled in that gender class? It will never do well to their emotional health later. There is no dignity in hiding your true emotions from others. I don't mean over do it but what's natural shouldn't be stopped.
4. I Sacrificed for You
We all have dreams we saw and achieved or maybe some of us didn't. As parents there are a lot of things we put aside after we have had our tiny angels. But this is purely our choice as we put their well-being before us. There's is absolutely no need to fill them with guilt today or in future and make them feel that we gave up on best parts of our life for them and that there's no return for it. Let's not attach our expectations to their needs. They need us more than anything else in their growing years. Whether they will remember what we did or gave up in order making them happy shouldn't matter. Let’s not boast about it ever. Then there's no meaning left to pure love.
5. I am Dieting
My son who is a poor eater got a chance to say he also would like to diet after hearing me loud enough. I realized how I was poisoning his mindset about food and health. When we use words like these in front of our kids it only puts an impression that eating food is a sin in some way that they will have to control their temptations to look good and achieve a shapely body. What are we putting into them? Getting fitter and healthier or merely looking better, what is more important? Because of our shortcomings and laziness we don't burn out our calories as needed and these fads then over power our lifestyle. With the increasing number of help at home our works have gone down a lot and so we find it difficult to burn the extras down. For some of us losing weight may seem important and genuine but at no cost do we need to talk to our kids about it. Teach them to eat right foods by choosing it for them and you. Let them help us do grocery and pick out healthy veggies and food products. Don't read the ‘calorie label’ out loud to them. When we stay fit we naturally look and feel better.
Well, we all are learning along the way. It’s an ongoing process. We will make mistakes but correcting them in time will only save our relationship. Like Sadguruji quotes “bringing up a child is a 20 year project”. I truly agree to this powerful statement. We are only building their foundation to becoming good future humans.