When we hear the word ‘love’, we start wandering our thoughts to all the people we are chained to. People who are closest to us and also the ones that are virtually not around. I believe each relation is beautiful in its own way. There can’t be any comparisons ever. No matter how much I may love my kids it's always difficult to choose between them or my husband... or no matter how much I love my husband it's even more difficult to choose between him and my parents. They all are so special and uniquely important. And each one of them means a lot to me.
But the most special bond I share is with Him, my God. There's no doubt about that. When I was a kid I used to have a live conversation with him. I kept my God alive in me and my life. More than praying to idols in the temples I preferred having a chat with Him inside me. It felt so much more real. I would always get my answers irrespective of my way of asking or the place and time. There were times I needed simple solutions to my immediate problems like finding my lost books or my keys and one prayer would do magic for me He has even healed my deepest scars always even before I have expressed it to Him. I could at all times feel His warm presence around me. As a child I had true friends I could only count on my fingers, but that never made me feel lonely. In fact I was much happier in my space, for I knew who was sharing it with me secretly.
As I grew with time, the distance between me and Him also grew. I hadn't stopped believing in Him but somewhere my daily conversations had taken a back step. There was a little gap developed. My childhood innocence was overshadowed by an adult ego. I still prayed but this time the ‘adult ego’ in me wanted a little more solid proof of His existence. So the temple visits increased while the detailed chatter stopped, learning yoga and meditation to get closer to Him became my new ways of acknowledging Him. I was taking efforts to do something that came to me naturally as a child. I didn't know being practical in life would distance me from spirituality. My ego interrogated about His existence all the time now. My doubts grew bigger than my faith.
There came a time when as a mother I started teaching my children how to pray. I got them involved in singing spiritual songs. I told them praying will always get us more blessings and answers our problems. I took them to temples often. Instead of loving God I was making them fear Him I felt.
One fine day when I was training my son to sleep by himself in his room, I could sense his fears. I had mine too, about how will he sleep without me or will he be ok? I had forgotten to trust much. I then told him how he could pray to God whenever he is scared and more over talk to him. He will immediately answer back no matter what the questions would be. He listens to us and is ready to be with us, more than just in idols. He listens to all our prayers and answers them back in time for us in ways that are best. He said he couldn’t see God, just then I told him He is present everywhere. I was taken back to my younger days as I spoke my heart out to my son. I told him about how God was my all time companion during my childhood and how I had made him my best friend; this suddenly got the blood in me rushing. I felt bad that I had let go of the most beautiful love affair as I would call it. I don't know when I turned so big that I didn't need him or his talks. My ego had become bigger I realized. After I kissed my son good night I made a promise to myself, to bring back the lost love and the feelings I once shared with my special one back to my life. Even though it would take lot of time I would still try my best, even if it made me look foolish I would still talk to him every time.
That day I put my hands towards Him again and I realized His hands were still there waiting for mine and it was only me who had moved away.