I was reading a text message on my phone just when I saw few updates on a similar story. It was about a young handsome actor who died early morning due to a health condition. I was shocked initially but I let this pass, trying to be brave and thinking that’s life and its cycle. There’s not much one can do anything about it. After reading this on multiple apps it somewhere made me sad. I went into a morose mood in that very second. I was absorbing the collective energy of people associating with this news. After all he was a celebrity.
There came my little one, my six year old who asked me “why so glum mumma?” I had no answer to him. This kept on going for some time. As if he wasn’t enough, the older one came in saying you look all blahh to me. I yelled back in irritation, asking what did they expect from me? He said just smile that’s it. In return I told him I am not some cartoon or a clown to keep laughing and smiling without a reason all day. We go through a lot of emotions and they show. They both ignored me after making a face as if I didn’t exist and flew away from there.
I sat down in peace, trying to calm my unreasonably agitated mind. What was it that was actually affecting me? What made me so angry? I was losing my peace, that too over the dying of a person I knew nothing about. This wasn’t or couldn’t be the reason I identified with. It was my own insecurity somewhere. The fear of losing my kids, my family and the fear of leaving them behind. The pandemic actually has shown us so much that it has hit and affected our core. Instead of being in gratitude, having the whole family around safe and sound I was feeding my fears. It wasn’t fair on them. These little angels have themselves seen a drastic change in past two years of their lives and little do they complain. I have rarely seen them crib or cry about things not in their control then why was it difficult for a grown up like me to understand this fact? There are things that are inevitable and there’s very little you can actually do anything about it. Then why do we after having a choice not choose the better? Fear is very common and natural but you just can’t let it make you anxious to another level that affects your own sanity.
At such times, I would usually charge myself up by reading a motivational book or listen to something uplifting. I went to my room, from the pile of my bedside books, I tried picking out one. Nothing seemed appealing to me at that very moment. It wasn’t time for self improvement, but rather time to take some action I thought. I had to drop my worries, I had to surrender to what was and what would be, I had to gather more courage and have faith in higher powers. I asked for extra ease from the universe. I needed a miracle with a lot of joy in it for me now.
Just when I prayed for it, I saw these two run back to me. I had read this somewhere, “Always smile back at little children. To ignore them is to destroy their belief that the world is good”. I sure never wanted to be the reason for them to stop believing in good ever. I at once realized they are the miracle I was looking for. Without caring much about my old depressed mood these two jumped on me and asked me to play with them. I logged myself out of all social media that would distract me and spent time with these two cute buns of mine! We cracked silly jokes and had a hearty laugh. We made fun of our own selves. They played their songs on so called playlist (which did make me feel a little outdated). We fought we scream and we hugged more. All in the span of an hour. They cheated in the game and I let them win for the sheer joy on their faces. Little did they know this was actually my victory.
I had won in the truest sense. I won over my worries. My kids gave me love and let it win over my fears. I felt their coping mechanisms were better at times than ours. I saw the world through the eyes of these kids, now there was magic everywhere. What is and what truly exists is in the ‘now’. The only moment we all have that’s actually guaranteed. Not the next min or even the next second. I became aware of the fact that my miracle lied here close to me. I didn’t need to go too far to fetch it. They taught me what matters most is to live in the present. They healed my soul. Sometimes when we as parents or adults get overwhelmed by life, all we need to do is turn to these little moments of joy and be grateful for it. While I thought I was raising my sons, it was truly them who raised the mother in me.