It was scorching hot that day. The summer heat was getting unbearable. I was anyway in pain since a little while and the heat made it even more irritating. My neck and shoulders had been hurting and I was treating it through alternative therapy. Only that day when I was asked to accompany my relative to the doctor I opened up and got my pains checked by a GP. He asked me to get X-Ray's done and couple of others to just to be sure.
I did all of it and forgot about it since it all looked ok to me. I got busy with my family and the long weekend trips. After a week I showed the doc my reports. He didn't like what he saw and asked me do get more tests done to be sure of why did I get such results! I did it and this time showed it to him without any delay. Not that it worried me but I just had that time in hand and wanted to get done with the doctor trips. The other investigation also didn't look fine and so he asked me to be on certain medication and repeat the tests. He alarmed me though that he didn't like what he saw.
I came to him with so many different thoughts of what would I do when I got back home. Feed my baby and get the other one to bed. Get dinner sorted. Planned the next day event I had to go to. But these five minutes meeting with the doc changed my life. I ran out of that place a little nervous. Actually so nervous that I even forgot to pick medicines prescribed by him from the next shop. I went straight home. I discussed this with my family. We goggled the consequences as we would usually do being tech-addicted and get quick answers. I always thought google had a problem with life. It always shows drastic ends to even smallest issue like sneezing and allergies. So the test I took was no different for it. It told me I could be ending up in dying.
As ironic as this sounds. We all end up there or rather we will someday just that none of us know when. I quickly wound up my evening and put kids to sleep. It's then when I was in bed the reality hit me and hard! Is this how my life was going to end and that soon? I haven't crossed my 30’s yet. What about my two year and nine year old sons? The little one is small to remember anything for future but the older one I feel is still tied to my cord. How hard will he get with life and vice versa when he gets to know about me? I saw the panic look on my husband's face which said not so soon! It's not time yet! Though he kept telling me how positive he is that everything's going to be alright. But I knew it was difficult for him to sleep that night thinking about me. I prayed that night, specially for myself and slept off. I wanted to sleep over my worries.
The next morning I knew something had to be done, besides medication. I took another opinion just to be safe. I saw a ray of hope when the other doc told me it's very unlikely for such things to show up and it could be due to many reasons. He asked me to take care and repeat the tests in few days like the first one. I had always heard of self healing and how people got over more difficult situations and conditions by healing themselves and keeping happier thoughts. This was my time to get inside and scrutinize own thoughts. I read up articles on how to heal yourself and which emotions bring out which physical symptoms. It all related to me. The chain of thoughts came together and I realized how I brought myself to this misery. There wasn't anyone responsible for this but me. I sat and noted my thoughts and feelings of past few days.
I was holding on to things that didn't serve me well and never would. I blamed myself for so many things that needed to go past me. I complained about how my surroundings we're not perfect and that's why the sufferings. I feared and I didn't know that this emotion would cost me my life. I got irritated at the slightest change in plans. I regretted things from my past a lot. I compared my past to people's present and pained. I became cold at times. I got myself to this pain. I am not saying there wasn't any treatment to my symptoms but who knows what life had ahead. I didn't even know the severity of by condition. I looked at my babies and became calm, I needed time with them. I wanted to be there and see them grow in the right direction. I wanted to share my happiness and experiences with them. Little more time to play and less to be on my gadgets around them. It kicked me hard, reality hit me on my face. I didn't want my nine year old to live in misery and regrets of not having his mother around him when he most needed me. Well the little one would have faint memories but is that all? How could I expect my husband who loved me so much to live it alone and handle them too?
I didn't know what lay ahead so I just prayed. I prayed to God to keep me healthy. I lived like it was my last. I used all positive terms I could. I watched comedy and laughed it out. I let go of tiny things which would otherwise anger me and kept calm in most situations. i hated less, I had lesser regrets. I smiled more. I loved more. I hugged more. I thanked more. I played more. I realized that it's not worth spending life complaining for things I couldn't change and let go of it all. Acceptance came more readily. My eyes were more compassionate. I did control my diet and exercised but this had nothing to do with my appearance rather this was more of an internal job. I read that diseases that are termed as incurable by the doctors are because medicine doesn't have a cure for it. It's your job to look after yourself. It's 'in’ curable meaning only curable from inside. Once I started doing all this I felt more and more happy. Isn't that how our lives are actually supposed to be? Why do we wait for a blow first to clean up mess later? Better late than never, I became aware.
The day came when I had to get another test to confirm. My Friends and family around me had faith and they had prayed too for me. God didn't let any of this go waste. I came clear of any symptoms. Yes I had controlled my diet even more. I was cautious of what went in me but much more than that it was the power of being positive and changing thoughts that blessed me with another life. I feel I am no more what I used to be. I value life much more now and I am grateful for it every second. I saw the sword hanging on my head and then I took charge of my life. We all have it above us but it's just sometimes we know and sometimes it will just hit us without any warnings. I am grateful mine cautioned me at the right time.